


Human Resources

by 3wisellamas



Category: OK K.O.! Let's Be Heroes
Genre: And him being a very good big brother and employee, Business Shenanigans, Family Fluff, Gen, No Plot/Plotless, Sibling Bonding, The Voxman is only for a single scene but it's there, a rare Ernesto fic!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-14 18:55:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29671752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/3wisellamas/pseuds/3wisellamas
Summary: There are no humans at Boxmore, and yet, they still have a Human Resources department.  A few short glimpses into this particular Ernesto's day.
Relationships: Lord Boxman/Professor Venomous (OK K.O.! Let's Be Heroes)
Comments: 19
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

Human Resources. It was a strange name for a department, especially given that Boxmore didn't employ any actual humans.

Well, not any full humans, anyway. Lord Boxman himself, being a cyborg, did have some human in him. And the robots also occasionally had bits and pieces mixed in; Shannon's feet, for instance, though she'd never admit it out loud.

For all intents and purposes, though, Boxmore was a factory full of robots, with a Department of Human Resources. And Ernesto 2286, its newest department head after his predecessor Ernesto 2263 was involved in an unfortunate plaza-related incident, couldn't help but chuckle a little to himself at the irony, as he settled into his chair to start yet another day.

His duties were admittedly much simpler than at other companies where the name wasn't as misleading. Ernesto didn't have to worry about hiring or firing; if more labor was needed, they just had to pull from overstock, and likewise whenever they needed to reduce the size of the workforce a clearance sale was usually on the horizon. Managing employee pay and benefits was easy, employees didn't  _ get _ pay or benefits, period. Discouraging organization was already taken care of by the robots' programming, as was office politics -- it was difficult to jockey for position when the entire factory ran on a hivemind.

That just left employee coaching and morale, keeping and organizing personnel records, and mediating disputes. The latter of which often proved to be the most challenging, now that Boxmore had introduced its first new model in 6-11 years. 

A loud whistle echoed throughout the factory signalling the start of the morning shift, and right on schedule, there was a metallic banging on the side of Ernesto's cubicle, with its source politely waiting just outside of view. 

The robot sighed, carefully setting his mug of coffee and oil onto a coaster, which itself had been carefully positioned to hide a coffee ring one of his predecessors had accidentally left behind. "Come on in, Raymond." One nice advantage of having a new addition to the family: this one was tall enough that his pompadour was always visible over the top of the cubicle wall, meaning Ernesto could anticipate whether his next meeting would be with Raymond or with not-Raymond.

And that did indeed make a difference. No sooner had he stuck his pointed snout into the "office" than he loudly complained, "Ernesto! We have an absolute crisis on our hands!"

Ernesto sighed. "What's today's 'absolute crisis,' Raymond?" He looked his newest sibling-employee over, noticing that he was covered head-to-toe in a dark-colored liquid, with it already staining his metal and ruining his always-perfect hair, explaining the rather vain robot's particularly sour mood that morning. "If you need to report a malfunction in one of the coffee machines, Operations is down the hall to the left."

Raymond growled, slamming his palm onto Ernesto's desk. "It's not just the malfunctioning coffee machine, Brother. I have a culprit!"

_ This ought to be good. _ Ernesto pulled out a desk drawer and leafed through a few of the folders within, finally retrieving a copy of Form 89-A, Employee Conflict Record. Automatically he began filling in Darrell's name -- in only the past week since Raymond's activation there had already been 20 such incidents involving the red robot, who turned out to have an astonishing jealousy streak when it came to new siblings, that manifested in plenty of petty pranks and shouting matches. 

But, before he got further than the first letter of Darrell's name Raymond held up a claw, stopping him. "No, no, this time it wasn't Darrell! It was Jethro!" Raymond practically snarled out the name of the little robot. 

"Jethro." Crossing it out, Ernesto stared at him with a mixture of curiosity and irritation.

"He was right there, I tell you! Just as the machine malfunctioned and ruined my perfectly-polished exterior, that little menace rolled on by, and I could just see in his eyes he was laughing! This had to have been orchestrated by him!"

Ernesto had to cut off his humor circuits entirely to keep from laughing himself. " _ Jethro _ tampered with the coffee machine, causing it to malfunction as a prank specifically on you, and your evidence is that he happened to be rolling through the kitchen at that exact moment."

"Yes!" Being fresh off the assembly line, Raymond didn't seem to grasp the concept of sarcasm just yet. "Surely you concur, Brother, that something must be done!"

_ Oh, I'll do something all right. _ Most likely, throw himself into the incinerator, and pass on his position to Ernesto 2310.

"Raymond," Ernesto started, his fans whirring up to suck in a breath as he pointed out the obvious flaw in Raymond's accusation, "Jethro doesn't have  _ hands _ ."

"...So?"

"So how exactly would he have tampered with a coffee machine in the first place?"

"Have you taken a look at those machines lately? They're made of discarded Jethro shells," Raymond answered. A shockingly sly smile spread across his face, as if declaring a checkmate in the middle of a game of chutes and ladders. "I've no doubt the things are still connected to his hivemind, and that's how he masterminded the whole plot!"

Resisting the urge to blurt out "WHAT hivemind?!" Ernesto just sighed, filling in the details of the incident on his form. "All right, I'll take this and follow-up with Jethro later today. Once I get his side of the story I'll bring one or both of you in to determine a course of action."

This seemed to satisfy Raymond, thankfully, as the green robot stood, and quickly made his way to the rarely-used office bathroom to clean himself off and prepare for his own work day, leaving Ernesto a few precious minutes to himself before the next catastrophe walked into his cubicle. 

Preemptively, he filled in "I AM JETHRO" for Jethro's side of the argument, and filed the form away without any real steps taken. No real steps were necessary in a situation like this, he knew; he was Boxmore's head of Human Resources, after all.

And there were no actual humans at Boxmore.


	2. Chapter 2

The morning had started out so well. Ernesto 2425, the newest head of Boxmore's Human Resources department following his predecessor's involvement in an unfortunate plaza-related incident, had gotten up before his alarm went off, decided to treat himself to a fresh brew of the expensive coffee over his morning newspaper and crossword puzzle, and had just barely sat down at his desk to catch up on finalizing Mikayla's personnel file when the catlike robot herself burst in, muttering several wild accusations aimed at Darrell.

And now the two both sat on the other side of Ernesto's desk, refusing to even speak to each other, though death glares were certainly not off the table.

Looking over the incident report once more, Ernesto cleared his metallic throat. "Now, Darrell, just...clarify something for me here. You, Mikayla, and Shannon were playing House, and you suggested Mikayla play the _family pet?_ "

Mikayla nodded enthusiastically, but Darrell only gave a harrumph in response. 

"And then, when she refused to play any further, you..." He squinted, hoping he'd translated his newest sister's speech correctly. "...told her to go live at the cat shelter across the street, so that she could be someone other than Lord Boxman's favorite?" Ernesto almost wanted to laugh at that; Darrell wasn't even his favorite _before_ Mikayla was created. That spot was currently Jethro's, after the little robot had somehow managed to roll himself over Mr Gar's foot during a plaza attack. 

"Mikayla," Mikayla confirmed, hissing at her older brother, who finally decided enough pressure was on him, and it was time to explain himself.

"She started it, you know! Lord Boxdad sent us to attack the plaza together yesterday, and I ended up doing all the work while she did nothin' but chase a squirrel around the parking lot! And then after we both got blown up and rebooted back here, Daddy pet her and called her a good girl, when he's never pet me or called me that, ever!" Mikayla moved to argue again, but Ernesto cut her off, having heard more than enough for one day. 

"Darrell," Ernesto sighed, "I know you're jealous of Mikayla-"

Darrell wasted no time in slamming his fists onto the desk and leaning over it toward his older brother. "I'm not jealous!!"

"I know you're jealous," he repeated, "but this kind of behavior has _no_ place in the Boxmore family, or the Boxman family for that matter. And since this is your third strike..."

The red robot's eye widened in surprise. "But...It can't be my third strike already!" 

"It is. You know what that means," Ernesto shot Darrell an intense look, causing him to shrink back into his chair, his circuits visibly shaking.

"No, no! Anything but that!"

"Yes, that." Ernesto swiveled around in his office chair to face the big whiteboard behind him. Each robot's name was scrawled in their own color of marker on one side, with "Mikayla" inelegantly fit into the very bottom of the list in yellow, while next to each name was a row of stickers -- some were different-colored stars, while others were tiny frowny faces. From the marker basket attached to the base of the board Ernesto retrieved a sheet of the stickers, pulled off one of the frowny-faced ones, and stuck it at the very end of Darrell's row.

"NOOOO!" Gripping his glass head as he wailed in anguish, Darrell dashed out of the cubicle, while Mikayla couldn't help but stick her tongue out mockingly after him. 

With the argument diffused, at least until the next time Darrell got jealous over a new baby sibling and had to be dragged into HR for counseling, Ernesto just signed and filed away the employee conflict record, and downed the rest of his now ice-cold coffee. As he started towards the kitchen to refill his mug, however, he jumped as he realized Mikayla still sat there, an anxious look in her eyes.

"Oh, I, uh...I thought you left already, Mikayla."

"Mikayla," she explained. "Mi...Mikayla. Mikayla?"

Ernesto paused -- she had something she wanted to talk to him about? Well, he supposed that was indeed what he was there for. Taking his seat again, he motioned for her to continue, but the yellow robot shied away, blushing a little.

"It's alright, Mikayla. Everything you say in here will be completely confidential," Ernesto promised her, and with that encouragement Mikayla finally relented.

"Mikayla. Mikayla, Mikayla! M-Mikayla, Mikayla. Mikayla..." She trailed off, before finally confessing, "Mikayla."

Ernesto gasped. "Mikayla..." He had no idea she felt that way, that she felt...human. She was human? Wanted to be called a human? He wasn't sure of the exact meaning of her words; a little had admittedly gotten lost in translation. But, he got the gist of it, and immediately reached for Mikayla's shoulder to comfort her, as a few artificial tears fell down the side of her angular face. 

"Mikayla, I'm glad you decided to let me know about this, and I support you completely. Thank you for trusting me."

After giving her a few moments to regain her composure, Ernesto pulled out her file again, pointing out a few fields that he'd left blank. "No one else here really uses these, but if there's any pronouns you prefer, or, um, any...accommodations you'd like us to make, to suit your...species?" All this was so new to Ernesto, he almost hesitated to speak, knowing there were probably better ways to put what he wanted to say -- he hadn't known Mikayla for very long, but he was still her older brother, and more importantly, the head of Human Resources. It was his job, in both of those aspects, to avoid making her uncomfortable.

Shoot, Human Resources! With this latest development, there was finally a human employed at Boxmore! Ernesto definitely had his work cut out for him from then on.

"Mikayla..." Snapping him out of his thoughts, Mikayla tapped a claw at one of the empty fields, the one for employee accommodations. "Mikayla, Mikayla?"

"Of course." Audibly smiling, Ernesto filled it in for her -- "No playing the family pet in House." When Mikayla was ready, he'd be sure to bring Darrell back in to go over that one.

With the additions made to Mikayla's file complete, she finally turned to leave, but Ernesto stopped her, getting up from his chair to pull her into one last big hug first.

"Hey, if you ever need anything, Little One, you let me know, okay?" He squeezed his little sister tighter. "Even if it's not HR-related."

Mikayla smiled, and a motor somewhere within her started up, though once she realized she was purring she stopped, giving a sheepish "Mikayla" instead.

"You're welcome, Mikayla."


	3. Chapter 3

Normally, meetings between Boxmore's head of Human Resources and Lord Boxman were extremely formal affairs, taking place in the cyborg's foreboding, minimalist office, with all the blinds shut and the fluorescent lights dimmed for that extra intimidating touch. It was extremely rare for the CEO to visit Ernesto in his own cubicle to discuss important matters, but then, Lord Cowboy Darrell was quickly proving himself to be a rare breed of CEO.

"You want us to add  _ lunch breaks _ to every employee's schedule?!"

"That's right!" Darrell smiled down at Ernesto 2598, his first appointment as head of Human Resources at Boxmore, after the previous department head had been involved in an unfortunate plaza-related incident on the very last day of Lord Boxman's tenure. "You can fit those in, right?"

"Darr-I mean, Lord Cowboy Darrell, all factory employees are already working two 12-hour shifts per day, seven days a week! There aren't even enough hours to add lunch breaks."

"Well, if you need more hours, we can just have everybody work eight days per week instead!"

"Darrell," Ernesto snorted, "There are only seven days in a week." Really, Cosma and the rest of the board of investors had chosen  _ him _ to be the new CEO of Boxmore, instead of a certain other outstanding candidate with years of actual business management experience and a particularly nice hat? Finally, he was starting to understand the red robot's jealousy thing, though every day he swallowed his own feelings for his younger brother's benefit. Even if he didn't get chosen to be Lord Boxman's successor, Ernesto's experience was still sorely needed, especially in the Human Resources department.

Confused, Lord Cowboy Darrell processed for a moment, counting on his claws. "Oh, yeah...Maybe if we take a few hours from other places?"

"Like, what other places?"

"Well...Like the daily plaza attacks." Ernesto did a double-take at this, checking to make sure his brother was really serious. Stop attacking the plaza every day? Did Darrell have his brain screwed on tight enough?

"I never liked getting sent over to destroy that stupid plaza anyway," Darrell explained, as if sensing the older robot's bewilderment. An unusual seriousness slipped into his voice. "Especially since I always just got blown up in the end, and then yelled at for it after I got rebooted. But those plaza attacks were Dad-I, I mean, they were Lord Boxman's thing, not mine! So, now that I'm the CEO of Boxmore, I say we're never going to attack Lakewood Plaza Turbo, ever again!" 

He facepalmed. "Shoot, I probably shoulda made that my first big change as CEO, and the lunch breaks second."

"I don't know, those are both very big changes. S-Sir." Ernesto was never going to get used to calling his brother that. "But, I can't say there would be any complaint among our workforce. Things have been a little...tense lately, to say the least, so a boost in morale would be a good way to start things off, Lord Cowboy Darrell."

"That's just what I was thinkin'!" He leaned in across the desk, and laid an arm across Ernesto's shoulders. "Which is why I think you should make the announcement today!"

"M-Me? Make  _ your _ announcement?!"

He gave Ernesto an encouraging smile. "You're great at all that workplace moral stuff, Ernesto! I know you'll be able to explain it to the rest of the Junior Deputies!" Darrell sighed, the smile quickly dropping. "Especially since I got another important CEO meeting with Cosma I gotta get to. You don't happen to know anything about supply chains, do you?"

"Uh...no?" Even if he did, it wouldn't get Ernesto out of this, so he simply waved Darrell off.

It didn't take long to gather the rest of the robots -- Mikayla had been napping in the sun on the factory roof as usual, and the other three were all in the middle of a board game when they entered the playroom. It was a four-player game, Ernesto didn't fail to notice, with an extra red token that Shannon had taken in addition to her own orange one, and that under her direction seemed to be losing abysmally.

"So what's this "big announcement" you have for us?" Shannon started before Ernesto could even speak. 

"W-Well…" Ernesto stammered, shuffling his notecards nervously under his siblings' impatient gaze. Perhaps there was indeed a reason Cosma had chosen the much more charismatic Darrell to be the new face of Boxmore over him, after all. "There's actually two big announcements. The first one is, um, that we're, uh, no longer going to attack Lakewood Plaza Turbo. Ever."

"Not attacking the plaza anymore?!" All of the robots gasped, but Shannon seemed to take the news worst of all, slapping that red game token off the board in frustration. "Does Darrell think we're weak or something? Does he really hate us that much now?" She shapeshifted an arm into her trusty sawblade. "That's it. New Daddy or not, Darrell's scrap metal."

"Hold on a second!" Ernesto wasn't sure if attempts to murder upper management fell under the HR umbrella, but caught her as she tried to leave regardless. "Let's give this a chance, okay?"

"Give this a chance?" Shannon shoved her eldest brother off of her, snarling. "Darrell's done nothing but mess everything up since he fired Daddy into the sun and started acting like he's so much better than us!"

"Shannon, things are different for all of us, but-"

"Attacking the plaza's literally why we exist! We don't even have a purpose anymore without it!"

"None of this means that we-"

"I AM JETHRO!" 

The sudden interruption brought the argument to a screeching halt, and finally gave Ernesto the opportunity to catch his breath, and make a couple of minor tweaks to his speech synthesizer in order to slip into his best morale-boosting voice. "Well said, Jethro, thank you. Now, like I was trying to say, let's all just give this a chance. I know a lot of the changes Darrell's making are...well, a lot. But, he’s the boss now, and even though he’s busy he is taking steps that are, ultimately, for the company’s benefit, as well as ours." He glanced back down at his notecards, skipping ahead a little. "Like, uh, the second big announcement I had. From today on, all Boxmore employees have mandatory lunch breaks."

The younger robots looked at each other, contented but still somewhat confused, until finally Raymond spoke up. "So, the plaza attacks have been done away with, and every day in their place we get...lunch?"

Drat, Ernesto wished he could have summarized it so well. Might have saved him all that effort. "Yep, that's it exactly!"

Even with confirmation, Raymond still looked puzzled, absentmindedly fidgeting with his green game piece. "I don't think I've even had lunch before…" 

"Daddy made lunch for us a couple times before we got upgraded," Shannon added -- perks of actually getting to have a short childhood, Ernesto mused, retrieving his own memories of those days from the depths of his hard drive. "But, who's gonna make lunch for us every day, now that Daddy's gone?"

Their eyes slowly drifted up towards Ernesto, and he would have felt a chill run through his circuits, if he could actually feel temperature. "Well...I guess Lord Boxman did show me how to make Blunch once. And it would be good for all of us to have that time together, as a family. All...five of us."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads-up on this one, it does deal with a rather...dark headcanon of mine, when it comes to Boxmore's inner workings. ^^; I don't describe anything in any detail, but still, if you're squeamish proceed with caution!

A company's human resources department was in charge of its employees, whether human or robotic, managing various administrative and practical aspects of their well-being. But at Boxmore, the name was also sometimes rather literal.

Ernesto closed his eye for a second as he approached the door in the dark, dusty factory basement, feeling around Boxmore’s corporate network with his hivemind until he found the lock, and it opened at his command, allowing him, and only him, to pass through. Inside was a sight that probably would have turned the stomach of any employee who possessed one to turn, and that most of the robots refused to go anywhere near or to think about as well. Ernesto 2861, Boxmore's newest head of HR after his predecessor Ernesto 2835 had been involved in an unfortunate plaza-related incident, was the only one willing to enter this particular room, and so, it fell on him to check on the factory's  _ actual _ human resources.

It was only a routine inspection, thankfully, making sure the automated processes were still running smoothly -- even if Ernesto was brave enough to enter the room where the robots' organic components were manufactured, he wasn't brave enough to actually do any work involving them. He simply ran through a checklist as he strolled between rows upon rows of cloning tanks: Shannon's feet, Darrell's feet, Raymond's and his own hair, and Professor Venomous' newest additions such as tentacles and vines and…lips, of all things. They made Jethro happy, though, so Ernesto couldn't judge.

As he rounded one of the rows of foot tanks, however, Ernesto did indeed find an anomaly, one that he hadn't anticipated: Shannon.

"Hey," she greeted him, barely looking up from where she sat on the floor, hugging her knees close. Though the room was kept dark in order to cut costs save for a few safety lights overhead and on the tanks themselves, the obvious scowl on her face was clearly visible, letting Ernesto know that he was unwelcome, routine inspection or no.

"Um, Shannon? How did you get  _ in _ here?" Ernesto glanced back at the door which had closed and locked behind him once he'd entered -- this was one of the most heavily-secured rooms in the entire factory, second only to the room right next door in which the robots' hivemind servers and network equipment were kept, and nobody except Lord Boxman, Professor Venomous, and Ernesto had access to either one.

Her expression unchanging, Shannon pointed up to a small vent in the ceiling right above her, barely large enough for a small mutant rat or a shapeshifting robot to fit through. "Fink showed me. Whenever she's not fighting with Darrell she's been crawling around in the vents."

Ernesto gave his best attempt at a grimace, thankful that it was obscured by the poor lighting -- he wasn't looking forward to his next meeting with those two. Darrell was his little brother, and he loved him, but the red robot never ceased to be an HR nightmare whenever new coworkers were involved.

"She started bragging about how she found this really cool, gross room down here yesterday. So, I'm gonna stay here and make sure she doesn't try to sneak in again."

Well, Ernesto couldn't complain about that; if Fink decided to tamper with any of the equipment in the cloning room there could be dire consequences for Boxmore's production numbers, not to mention for the robots themselves! But, even with the news, and Shannon's explanation of her presence, something still seemed off about the whole situation. Carefully, he knelt down in front of his younger sister.

"So, why are you in here, then? Shannon, you hate this room." He motioned up towards the tank she sat next to, one of the ones containing her own feet, and she winced in disgust.

"I know! But, I just hate the idea of Fink being in here even more, you know?" She shifted uncomfortably. "Dirty rat like her doesn't  _ get _ to be in here. Not with...with these parts of us. Our organic parts are supposed to be our special thing, no one's supposed to know about them except us! And, uh, Raymond's 'fanclub,' I guess, but as long as he doesn't blab about the rest of us it's fine."

Ernesto wasn't too sure about that -- somewhere in his hivemind at that very moment, Ernesto 2877 was dealing with a customer who had just discovered their Shannon's human feet and called to complain -- but he allowed her to continue.

"Fink wouldn't understand. You know the instant she found out some of these feet are mine I'd never hear the end of it." 

"But...you like your feet, though? Every time we go to the store you go straight to the nail polish aisle," Ernesto pointed out, but this only seemed to sour Shannon's mood even more.

"Yeah, doesn't mean I want just anyone to know about them! At least I'm better with it than  _ some _ robots are," she replied, giving Ernesto an accusatory glare as he anxiously adjusted his top hat.

"Well, that is true..." Ernesto shot Shannon a dirty look as well -- he would be perfectly fine with having hair if only he had a little more of it. Besides, it wasn't just him; the day that Darrell allowed anyone, even his siblings, to see him barefoot would be a very cold one in the Unemployment Zone. "Look, I'll make sure to report the security breach to Lord Boxman and get this room sealed up more, so Fink doesn't get in here again. Deal?"

She didn't react, and he laid a hand on her shoulder. "I promise, we’ll keep the human feet strictly between us, until you're ready to let Fink in on it. It’ll stay our family secret." Shannon's scowl finally dropped, and she relaxed her posture a little more, seeming to finally accept her older brother's company.

"I'm not gonna let her in on it, ever. But, if you can get the vent blocked for good, I won't let her in on you going bald either." Again, Ernesto frowned with his eye, which only made her laugh, itself a tiny relief to the larger robot. "But, how about we go hide all of Darrell's boots, and watch the show?"

"Shannon, you know that's not an acceptable way to treat our coworkers," Ernesto responded, that practiced, impartial HR tone slipping back into his voice. But, he checked his system clock, counting down to himself --  _ three, two... _ "But, it's 5:30 and my shift is over, so why not!"

"Good, let’s get out of here. I only like looking at my feet when they're on  _ me _ ."


	5. Chapter 5

Things at Boxmore seemed to be getting busier by the day with the company under new management once again, and Ernesto 2893, newly-appointed head of Human Resources after his predecessor's involvement in an unfortunate plaza-related incident, seemed to bear the brunt of it all.

One of the things Professor Venomous had insisted on was the introduction of...well, it wasn't an actual paycheck for the factory's employees, more of an "allowance," that they were paid every other week. Under the table of course, to avoid all those unpleasant labor laws and taxes -- it was the only way he could get Lord Boxman to agree, that and Venomous offering to contribute the money from his own surprisingly deep pockets. Ernesto, Boxman, Venomous, and the head of Boxmore's Finance Department, Ernesto 2885, had discussed the exact amount they'd be paid for hours, finally agreeing on .02 technoes per employee -- it didn't seem like much on paper, but with some of the robots having hundreds or even thousands of copies active and working every day, it added up to a decent chunk of change, and a definite improvement over their previous paycheck of exactly zero technoes!

But, all the additional payroll duties left Ernesto drained, with every other Friday being a frantic disaster as he pored over hivemind logs and tracked down every robot's primary model to distribute the funds. And as nice as his own allowance was...it still wasn't quite enough to buy that DJ turntable he'd had his eye on for some time now.

Ernesto needed a raise, which wouldn't be easy even if he weren't a glorified robot slave working for a villain like Lord Boxman. But the first obstacle, before he even got close to Boxman, was bringing up the topic with HR. 

Except he _was_ HR, so was that even allowed? Scrolling through a few more corporate documents on his computer he sighed, holding his head in his hand. There simply wasn't anything to go on as to whether the head of Human Resources could approve his own pay raise, and he certainly wasn't going to bring it up to upper management and clue them in on his intent before he was prepared to do so, and risk being incinerated.

Finally Ernesto just locked the computer, deciding to take a break and do a few laps of the office, in hopes of clearing his head. The whole dilemma was quite taxing on his hivemind, tying up about 30% of his CPU, well over what just one Ernesto was normally allotted.

Wait...he did another quick audit on his hivemind. There were currently 873 Ernestos active throughout the factory! And since they were all technically receiving the same paycheck every other week, surely one of them could ask him for the raise instead? He'd still be asking himself, but at least this way he'd be able to keep a paper trail.

Sitting back at his desk, Ernesto called in the copy of himself that felt the least busy; only a few minutes later Ernesto 2609 came in and sat down, ready to negotiate.

"Good afternoon, Ernesto," he greeted himself. "What can I do for you today?"

"I've come in to discuss a very serious matter," his copy replied, brandishing a file folder containing a few collected forms and papers. "And I know you're busy, Ernesto, so I'll just come out and say it: I'd like a raise."

Ernesto hummed, his eye narrowing. "We've only just started getting paychecks, Ernesto. Does this mean you have reason to feel your current compensation isn't meeting your needs?"

"I do have reason, and data to prove it!" He neglected to mention the turntable he so desperately wanted, instead pointing out a sheet of paper with numerous calculations hastily scribbled across it. "I've been looking over timesheets across my entire hivemind, and comparing them to our coworkers. As you can clearly see here," he pointed at a number at the bottom of the page, "we Ernestos work more hours per week than any other Boxmore employee, about one and a half times the average! But, because we're being paid only based on how many of us are active, I don't think our current salary accurately reflects that."

He pulled out a few more pages. "I propose that a small increase to .03 technoes per employee would be a fair rate, and I've already got the formal request prepared, signed, and ready to deliver to Lord Boxman." He looked across the desk at himself, an almost pleading look in his eye. "Provided, of course, that you approve of this proposal."

Of course he approved, he'd put the entire folder together himself the night before! But, Ernesto still hemmed and hawed a little, giving the appearance of intense consideration. "Well, you do bring up several excellent points, and since the new pay structure is, well, new, there's certainly plenty of room for improvement..." 

Slowly, he took one of the forms, and signed it. "I'll approve your request, Ernesto, pending final approval from Lord Boxman. Congratulations!" Reaching across the desk, Ernesto shook his own hand, beaming as much as he could.

"Oh, thank you Ernesto!"

"You're very welcome, Ernesto." He watched as Ernesto 2609 left the cubicle to return to his own duties, and stared down at the completed paperwork in his hands. 

With that formality taken care of, now it was time for the part he'd been dreading for weeks. Barely able to keep his servos from shaking, he picked up his desk phone and dialed the number for Lord Boxman's office.

A short time later he found himself in the exact same position as before, only on the other side of the desk. Though with an addition this time -- Professor Venomous stood nearby, watching the negotiation intently between sips of some unidentified green liquid in a "World's Best Boss" mug, that he kept insisting was “better than coffee” and “not _dangerously_ radioactive.”

"No." Ernesto hadn't even said a single word yet, but the instant Boxman's mechanical eye fell upon Form 106, Adjustment of Employee Compensation, he gave his answer.

"S-Sir, if you'll just hear me out. This form has gone through all the proper channels and was approved by HR-"

"Ugh, HR...I don't even know why we _have_ a human resources department, there aren't any humans here!" Lord Boxman leaned back in his office chair, rubbing his forehead with his chicken hand. "The answer's still no. See, PV, this is exactly what I warned you about. These robots are so spoiled, they'll run you right to the poorhouse!"

"Hang on for just a second, Box." Setting his mug down next to Boxman's "World's Best Dad" mug, which had the word "Best" crossed out, PV leaned in to study the form a little closer. "You're asking for... .03 technoes? That's it?"

Ernesto gulped. "Erm, yes, Sir. That's it."

Venomous gave Boxman a confused look, before pulling out a calculator and checking Ernesto's math. 

"You know, this isn't really that bad. I can cover it easily." He passed the form back to Boxman, who growled. 

"But this sets an example! If we okay Ernesto's raise, soon Darrell's going to be coming in here wanting more, and Shannon, and even Jethro!" 

"Well, then, I think that's a sign that maybe we should be taking more steps in compensating our employees for their work." He turned to Ernesto. "There's something I've been thinking about for a little while...what would you say to us offering bonuses, as an incentive for employees who go above and beyond in their work?"

Behind him, Boxman nearly choked, but Ernesto's eye lit up at the proposal.

"That...That would be an excellent idea, Sir!"

"We can call you in to discuss the details later. For now, though..." Again, the professor passed the form for Ernesto's raise to Boxman, winking, and this time he very reluctantly signed his name in chicken scratch.

"I still don't get why you're so into _paying_ the robots, PV."

He just shrugged, leaning against the desk. "It's not like I don't have more extorted taxpayer money than I know what to do with at this point, and besides." He brushed his fingers across the cyborg's cheek as he reached for his mug again, getting an instant blush as a reward for the gesture. "They're just kids, Boxman. You've gotta spoil them a little."

"I know..." Boxman sighed, completely helpless against Venomous' preferred methods of persuasion, but pointed a claw up at his partner. "But if this turns out badly, I'm holding you responsible!" 

Venomous chuckled, giving Boxman a shockingly flirty look. "Go ahead, then. _Hold me_ responsible." Ernesto took his signed paperwork and left the office as quickly as he could, before he had to write both of them up for inappropriate relations in the workplace. Again.

But, the robot practically skipped down the factory halls back to his own office -- he'd actually gotten a raise! And potentially several more hours of work in the future determining which employees would be eligible for bonuses, which made him wonder if he should have asked for .04 technoes instead. But, he could worry about all of that later.

Giddily, he got right to work on the numbers the instant he arrived -- if he could secure a bonus, plus his increased paycheck and what remained of the birthday money he'd gotten earlier that month from Grandma Boxman, that turntable he'd coveted could be his in less than a year! It was all he could do to keep himself from cheering loud enough for the whole factory to hear him, but somewhere in the distance, one of him did anyway, unable to silence the enthusiasm spreading through his hivemind. 

The robot turned to his whiteboard, the one that displayed the stickers each of the robots had earned for their good and poor performance as employees. While most of them were actually beginning to run out of room for more of the stickers in each of their rows, Ernesto's remained almost barren, with a grand total of only two stars and four frowny faces. But, he figured, this time he deserved a little celebration, for a job well done. 

With a great deal of pride, Ernesto added a third star sticker, a tiny gold one, into his own row.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all I've got for now -- this fic is just a collection of random scenes, and maybe someday I'll come back with another one, if another of these specific HR-related ideas strikes me. Until then!


End file.
